


thrown open to the sun

by goldkirk



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, College, College AU, Crew as Family, Depression, Found Family, Gen, General Shenanigans, Modern AU, and people finding families for themselves, centers on jim but has plenty of the others, god bless, modern college au, with side appearances by Pike and several others
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-12
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-10-31 01:49:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10889238
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldkirk/pseuds/goldkirk
Summary: Life can get better, Jim finds out.(Or, how many ways can you find a family and grow into a happier version of yourself?)Learning to live with open doors and windows takes a while, but he gets there in the end.Fic mix:playmossInspo tag:college au inspoFic tag on my tumblr:college au





	1. New Starts (smell like airports)

_Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved space._

_He also loved people, a lot. And he had a lot of love to give. He didn’t think he’d ever run out. And the world was so big, and amazing, and beautiful, and everything was always just so interesting. He loved being alive. He loved his life. He loved his mom._

_But once upon a time, that boy’s mom got sick. And that boy’s family changed. And that boy learned that some people aren’t as good as they think they are, and he learned that family doesn’t always mean you won’t be hurt. He learns, very quickly, that safety in life is a lie._

_Things were a whole lot harder and not full of love and joy. And that boy learned the hard way that you can suffer for years, and the people you hold dear to your heart can suffer for years, and the people you hold dear to the heart can cause you to suffer for years, and life doesn’t care. You can love the world as much as you want, and the world isn’t going to come in on a white horse and save you from the pain._

_Once upon a time, there was a boy who loved stars._

_Once upon a time, there was a boy who used to wish upon the moon._

_Once upon a time, life knocked that boy down again and again until he was too afraid to look back up at the sky and raise his head for fear of getting knocked down again. Once upon a time, he didn’t remember how to see the world as beautiful and wonderful and full of joy._

_But once upon a time, he found a bit of hope. And that boy latched on to it like a lifeline and followed it to a chance, and when that chance showed up, he took it._

_Once upon a time, there was a boy who learned to live with an open heart again._

_This is his story._

* * *

Jim has always loved the rush and flow of airports.

He loves the incredible variety of people that are always walking past, loves people-watching and trying to figure out who might be going where, and why. The kids who are excited and pressed up against the window glass as hard as they can, like they’re trying to squeeze themselves through it and out to the planes on the tarmac, make Jim smile from where he sits near the gate. He wishes he could still get away with doing that alongside them.

But mostly what he loves about airports is the sense of anticipation that always comes along with them. If you’re in an airport, you’re always _going_ somewhere. You’re headed towards something, and so is every person around you. It’s special. It’s something fresh and new and feels a little bit like freedom. It’s impossible to feel trapped or stagnant if you’re in an airport. The very foundation of the place is motion—literal and metaphorical.

Airports, to Jim, mean changes of scenery and breaths of fresh air, and new places. Today, the airport also means _new start_.

_“Flight 2204 to Los Angeles, boarding now.”_

Jim swore he felt his heart jump as he stands and swings his old backpack over one shoulder and walks to where the line is forming to board. He was one of the first people there, and when he made the walk down the corridor into the plane itself, it was still nearly empty and full of that pre-flight quiet and the sounds of the cabin air system blowing. He returned the friendly greeting of one of the flight attendants and quickly parked himself in one of the window seats just in front of a wing. Jim thanked his lucky stars that he was able to get a window seat. It’s always been his favorite place to sit.

Over the next fifteen minutes or so, the plane filled. Last checks were performed and the gate corridor is detached. As the plane started its slow roll to the runway, it began to hit Jim that…he was really doing this. It wasn’t just a hope anymore. It wasn’t just a plan that’s off in the future. He was really going all the way to the West Coast, and starting a new life for himself in college. He was really, truly going to be free from everything at last. He could start over.

He can be whatever he wants. He can feel new.

The plane paused, ignited the engines. Jim gripped the armrests of his seat, leaned forward slightly without realizing it. The plane began to accelerate down the runway, faster, and faster, with Jim’s face pressed up against the window watching the grass whiz past as the plane picked up speed. When the plane lifted off the ground and began its climb, Jim let out a soft sound that was half laugh and half sob, and rather like the second cousin of a breathless gasp.

As the Midwest fell away beneath him, he found himself smiling broadly, and absolutely, definitely, not crying a bit.

After a few minutes of watching the land and low clouds drift past, he settled back in his seat, wiping at his eyes with the back of his wrist. He has nothing to look forward to except pure opportunity and freedom to live and learn and experience, and to become what he’s always felt he could be if he could just get the chance. As Jim closes his eyes, he imagines what freedom and opportunity are going to feel like. He wouldn’t give this choice up for the world.

* * *

Jim finally spotted an open seat a few rows in front of him, and mentally put a claim on it. _Mine_.

He’d just had a two hour layover at LAX, and was finally getting on the connecting flight to San Francisco. Jim counted himself lucky to not have brought a large carry-on bag with him as he ducked into the row. He was glad not to have to find an open slot in the overhead storage areas.

However, he did still keep a wary eye on the people around him as they tried shoving their bags in the already-overstuffed overhead bins. He’d been hit on the head by a suitcase once. Not really something he wanted to repeat.

As Jim stared out the window at the flight controllers out on the tarmac, he was suddenly started by a man dropping down into the seat next to him with a loud huff. Jim turned to him with a smile.

“Hi!” he offered, politely.

The man glanced at him. “Hi.” It sounded more like a grunt than a word.

“I’m Jim,” Jim said.

“McCoy.”

Jim raised his eyebrows. “That your first name?”

“No,” the man said, “it’s Leonard. Leonard McCoy.” Jim could hear a slight drawl in his voice. _Wonder where he’s from?_

“Nice to meet you!” Jim said brightly. “I’m Jim Kirk, if we’re giving full names. I’m headed to San Francisco for college, on my way from Iowa.”

“That’s nice.”

McCoy clearly didn’t want to have this conversation. Every part of his demeanor was giving off strong _leave-me-alone_ signals. As the flight attendants closed the plane door and started going through the standard safety instructions, Jim noticed McCoy’s knuckles turning white as he gripped the armrests hard enough to crush an orange.

“So, Leonard McCoy, what brings you to San Francisco? Or are you only passing through?”

McCoy’s neck cracked from how fast his head snapped over to look at Jim. “What?”

“Why are you going to San Francisco?” Jim repeated patiently.  

“Uh,” McCoy’s eyes darted to the window and back as the plane started to roll. “Med school.”

“Oh yeah? That’s awesome!”

“Mm.” McCoy was rapidly reaching an impressive shade of white.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jim touched the man’s shoulder. McCoy nearly jumped out of his skin. He locked eyes with Jim, looking a little bit embarrassed and a whole lot terrified.

“I really don’t like flying,” he said quietly.

Jim nodded. “I’m guessing that this was your only option then. Would it help if I tried to distract you?”

“Please,” McCoy gritted out. He was so tense Jim worried he was going to strain some tendons.

“Questions better, or do you want me to ramble about something?”

“Questions please. Too easy for me to tune you out.” When Jim laughed, McCoy quickly added, “Nothing personal.”

“Okay,” Jim said, still smiling. “Med school, huh? What made you want to be a doctor?”

McCoy took a deep breath, firmly kept his gaze locked on Jim and away from the window, and focused on his answer.

* * *

By the time they landed at SFO, Jim was pretty sure he’d made his first friend in the newly-christened Bones. Or at least a good acquaintance. He liked the man. They’d already exchanged numbers and gone through the litany of the standard get-to-know-you questions, plus plenty extra. They caught a bus shuttle to the campus together, since they’d discovered they were headed for the same university.

Jim was a freshman, technically, and Bones already had his Bachelors. But that didn’t seem to matter for them. Bones explained that he still had three years of med school left before he graduated—“Perfect! I’m going to graduate in three, so that’s right on time! We can celebrate together!”—because he’d already done one but had to take a leave of absence last year for family matters.

Jim didn’t press for more, and Bones appreciated it. Bones also didn’t ask Jim why he never seemed to mention his family or much of what he’d been doing up until now. They just talked about the here and now and what Johnny Cash songs were best and tried to one-up each other with the worst airport layover times. By the time they had to split off to do their respective check-ins and find their dorms, they’d made plans to meet up the next day at the dining hall for lunch.

Jim waved goodbye to Bones and smiled broadly, and took a deep breath in. Even the air seemed different here. It was new and exciting and perfect for a new start.

 Turning to head in to the undergraduate check-in area, he couldn’t help the extra spring in his step as he pushed through the doors. College was looking great so far, and he was so ready for all of it to begin.

“Jim!” he heard, and turned to see Pike striding towards him from his position near one of the tables. Jim’s grin got even broader. Pike caught him in a bone-crushing hug. “It’s good to see you, son. Your flight okay?”

“It was awesome.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Pike put an arm around his shoulders and led him to one of the tables. “Let’s get you checked in, and then we’ll figure out what dorm you’re in. You ready for this?”

Jim glanced at Pike. “I’m _beyond_ ready. Just point me in the right direction and tell me where to go.”

Pike laughed, and Jim couldn’t help laughing too. It felt right. _This,_ thought Jim, feeling truly hopeful for the first time in years, _is the beginning of something good._


	2. You (don't) Always Have Things Under Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Getting a little more of a glimpse into the way Jim reasons.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heads up for anyone who could use it that there are some negative thought patterns ahead, characteristic of anxiety and perhaps a smidge of depression.

Jim burst through the door and dropped his bag on his desk chair, skidding to a halt just inches in front of where Bones was napping.

“Bones!” he hollered.

Bones shot awake, jerking so hard in the blanket that was wrapped around him that he nearly tumbled off the bed. _“WhAT?!”_

“You’re not gonna believe this!”

“Jim, _oh my_ —I _swear to Mike_ , Jim, if this is _anything_ less than the _building being on fire_ I’m gonna—“

“Well, it’s not the building on fire but—hey, whoa!” Jim held his hands up as bones finally untangled himself from the covers and rose menacingly from the bed. “Mercy! The building isn’t on fire but I promise I had a good reason!”

“Spill,” Bones demanded.

“Okay, okay, so I was walking back from English Comp, and I’m walking under that big tree, you know, with the great climbing branches that everyone has picnics under? And I decided to walk over and see if I could see any cool birds in it, because there are usually a couple hanging around. But anyway, so I’m walking under the tree minding my own business when this girl _falls out of the tree!”_

Bones gaped for a second. “Was she _okay?_ ”

“Oh, yeah, she was fine!” Jim said, reassuringly. “She fell on top of me. I was kind of a cushion for her fall.”

“You _what?_ Are you okay?” Bones started patting Jim down, before Jim quickly batted his hands away.

“I’m fine, Bones, don’t worry. I’ll probably have a couple of bruises tomorrow or something, but really, nothing serious. The ground is soft and she didn’t fall from really high up or anything. Besides, you know I’m good at falling!”

“Lord knows I do,” Bones sighed. “You know, that’s not really something you should really be proud of.”

“Of course it is! Falling well is a valuable skill. Saves you a lot of trouble and pain.”

“Sure,” Bones said, shaking his head, “but the amount of falling it indicates you’ve done is more than I want to think about.”

“Hey, if I don’t get hurt—“

Bones slapped a hand over Jim’s mouth. “ _Don’t_ finish that sentence,” he growled. “You’re gonna jinx it.”

Jim’s eyes twinkled and he tried to say something that was muffled by Bones’ hand. Bones lifted it from Jim’s mouth and stepped back a little.

“I didn’t get to finish!” Jim said. “You didn’t let me get to the best part. You’re not going to believe who the girl was.”

“Who?”

“Uhura!” Jim laughed.

“ _What?_ What is _Uhura_ doing up in a tree?”

“ _None of my business,_ apparently.” Jim said. “But I’m guessing it had something to do with a bet between her and Gaila.”

“That would explain it,” said Bones, now grinning himself.

“Picture it, Bones. Uhura on top of me, we’re both in a tangled heap on the ground, and she looks madder than a goose when you walk too close to its nest. There were leaves sticking out of her hair at all angles while she was telling me how creatively she’d murder me if I told Gaila about what she was doing.”

They both laughed.

“What do you want to bet Gaila’s going to ask me for help with something sketchy later tonight?” Jim asked.

“And you’ll help her with it, as always.”

“Life is short! Friends are important. Quality time, Bones.”

“Yeah, but do you have enough time to do your homework?”

“Sure, sure, it’s all fine. I’ve got this. Besides,” Jim added, waving his hand, “even if I don’t get it done today I’ll have the whole weekend free to do what I need to get done.”

“Yeah, as long as you don’t spend more _quality time_ with people the whole weekend,” Bones pointed out.

Jim walked over to his desk. “It’s fine, Bones, stop worrying.”

“All right, all right!” Bones flopped back down on his bed. “It’s your schoolwork. I ain’t the one who’ll have to stay up till one in the morning to finish a paper on time.”

Jim snorted and turned around in his chair. “Please, isn’t this the pot calling the kettle black? Who was it that was just up into the wee hours of the morning today doing paperwork they should have done last weekend?”

“Touché,” Bones groaned. “Now shut up and let me go back to sleep. I have two hours before my meeting with Boyce and I plan to make the most of them.”

“Sweet dreams,” Jim laughed, as he switched off the main lights. “I’ll make sure you’re awake in time to get over there.”

“Thanks, Jim.” Bones’ reply drifted out from under his comforter.

“No problem,” Jim said with a smile, then turned to his phone. _Hey Gaila,_ he typed. _How’s it going?_

 _Jim!!_ Her reply came back within seconds. _Oh man! Would you want to help with some shenanigans that are possibly less-than-wise but a lot of fun while Nyota is at her evening class?_

 _Gaila,_ Jim replied _, I am ALWAYS down for some shenanigans. I’ll come over after dinner._

He realized he was smiling as he tossed the phone onto his bed. Only a few weeks in to the school year and he was already lucky enough to have what he considered great friends and a never-boring life. Although, to be fair, Jim figured Dr. Pike would snort and counter that things couldn’t stay boring around Jim if they tried, because Jim was _“a force of nature hell-bent on excitement and sharing fun.”_ Pike’s words, not Jim’s. Not that Jim could really argue. He was just too interested in everyone and everything to be bored for long.

Jim set an alarm on his phone as he shut the bathroom door behind him and turned on the shower, so he wouldn’t forget to wake up Bones. Then he stepped out of his clothes and into the hot shower. As the water poured across his shoulders, he sighed happily. Hot water, man. That was a luxury he’d never stop appreciating. He just had to learn to remember to turn on the fan more often before he got in the shower, so they didn’t have a repeat of the fire alarm incident. And speaking of the fan…

Oops.

Oh, well, Jim thought, as he slip-slid his way across the tile to switch the fan on. Like Pike had said, at least his life was never boring.

The next morning, Jim sat crosslegged on his bed with his laptop perched on a textbook between his knees. He typed at a near-frantic pace while occasionally taking a few enormous bites of bread, never breaking focus.

“Hell, Jim, don’t choke or something. Slow down.” Bones appeared next to him, sporting his usual bedhead.  Jim startled, nearly knocking his computer to the floor. “Whoa, sorry! Didn’t mean to scare you,” Bones apologized.

“It’s fine,” said Jim.

“What are you working on, anyway?” Bones peered at the screen. Jim sighed.

“Marcus changed the due date for the rough draft of our paper on the Dreyfuss Affair without telling us. I found out like, an hour ago. It’s due before class at ten.”

“That’s not fair. Does it say when he changed it?”

“Yesterday at eight-something p.m. I guess he figured we’d see it in time? Or maybe it was an accident. I’m not taking that chance though. He’s a hard grader. No mercy.”

“Well, good luck,” said Bones. Jim gave a quick thumbs-up as his roommate shuffled off into the bathroom.

“Thanks,” he called after him. “I’ll need it!”

He managed to get it done in time, and turned his freshly-printed paper in to Dr. Alexander Marcus’s desk a few minutes before class was about to start. Why Dr. Marcus didn’t allow them to submit work online, Jim would never know. But it wasn’t worth getting frustrated over things he couldn’t change. The man was just stuck in his ways.

Jim sat through the class, and the whole time couldn’t help thinking about how badly he felt he’d done on the rough draft. Rough drafts in Dr. Marcus’ class were graded, and Jim knew now that he was an unforgiving grader. The more he thought about it, the more problems he found with his paper. Weak phrasing, points that weren’t supported enough, too many or not enough sources…

By the time class was ending, Jim was feeling miserable. He knew he’d get a bad grade. He caught himself trying to make excuses— _it’s just a rough draft, though, I always saved my polished writing for the final, I’m not used to turning in drafts; if he’d given us a little more time_ —but quickly stomped those thoughts down. No, Jim had just screwed up. If he’d planned his time better, or worked harder, or just cared more, even, he wouldn’t have failed this.

Jim shouldered his way out of the lecture hall and made his way to his favorite bathroom, the one with only a couple of stalls way at the end of the building.

It was his favorite because no one ever seemed to use it, and that held true today. Jim braced his arms against the sink and leaned his forehead on the mirror as the door thumped shut behind him, cutting off the faint noise of the hallway as students distantly milled around, chatting in between classes.

The cool glass felt good against his skin, and he let his eyes shut as he focused on taking some deep breaths. He needed to pull himself together before his psychology class, and he only had a few minutes.

 _Come on, Jim,_ he told himself. _This is nothing. Just chill._

But at the same time, Jim’s mind kept repeating, _how could you do this? This is your one shot at doing better! You can be something more here if you work at it! But what are you doing? You’re throwing it away because you’re lazy and didn’t bother working hard on one of the earliest assignments of the semester. If this is what you’re doing now, what do you think is going to happen later on, when you have lots of assignments all the time and you’re tired AND having to prepare for finals? You’re just going to fail more. Like you just did. You never work hard enough. You’re always going to fail. Why don’t you just give up now?_

“No!” Jim said out loud. He felt embarrassed for a second, looking around to make sure he really was alone. He sighed.

Jim thumped his head on the mirror gently a few times before pulling back and staring at his reflection for a few moments. He looked fine, he supposed. Not upset, anyway. So that was fine.

Jim shifted his backpack to sit more comfortably on his shoulders and pushed his way out the door. His brain could shut up until the end of class. It was time to focus.

When Bones dragged himself in through the door of their dorm room that night, Jim had regained his usual relaxed, cheerful demeanor. “Bones! How was the rotation today?”

“ _Long_ ,” Bones moaned. “At least now I’m 100% sure I don’t want to specialize in emergency medicine and work in the ER.”

“That bad?”

Bones sighed, throwing his bag on his desk chair. Jim watched sympathetically as his friend started pulling off his scrubs and tossed them in the hamper before flopping onto his bed. “Not really. Some ER shifts haven’t been bad, and I like trauma cases. But the drudgery of it, and the number of people who come in who don’t actually need help from an ER but want to whine about it a lot, I can’t stand them. I’ve got no patience for you if you’re just wasting time and a bed. There’s always someone who actually needs it.”

“That makes sense,” Jim said. “Hey, you want a cookie? I knew you’d be out late, tonight, so when I got the urge to bake something I made your favorite. Chocolate chip M&M.”

“Jim, you’re an _angel_ ,” Bones exclaimed. He dove for the foil-covered plate Jim pointed to and quickly bit into one of the cookies. “ _Mmmm_.” Bones closed his eyes, looking worlds happier than he had just moments ago. He swallowed, and opened them again with a smile. “Thanks, Jim. These are amazing.”

Jim ducked away and laughed as Bones reached out to quickly ruffle his hair on his way back to his bed. “No problem, Bones. I’m glad you like them.”

“Mmm _hmm_ ,” Bones hummed in agreement and maybe a little bit of bliss.

Not long after, the two of them turned out the room lights and laid down to sleep. But while he heard Bones quickly stop tossing and turning and quiet down, fast asleep, Jim found himself laying awake for hours, still feeling guilty about the paper he’d turned in as a rush job that morning and already hopeless about more assignments that he had coming up. He didn’t want to fail everything. This was his chance to prove himself. He had to keep it together, school-wise, emotionally, socially. He wasn’t going to let himself ruin this.

 _I screwed up, yes, I admit it,_ Jim thought to himself, finally. _But I can do better still. I WILL do better. This will work. Tomorrow, I’m going to do better. I’ll get ahead on all my work, and when it’s time to turn that final paper in, it’ll be so perfect, Dr. Marcus won’t know what hit him._

Jim rolled over and pulled the cover up to his chin. He could just make out a faint sliver of light coming in under the edge of the curtain _. I’m not going to let people down again,_ he promised. _This time, I really am going to do everything right._


	3. Just Be Honest (you're not superman)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A few months in, Jim's finally reached a cracking point.

Jim had been working nonstop in the library for six hours straight, and he figured that when the dean of the university library came out of her office to ask if you were okay, it was probably time to leave. He’d just finished the project he was working on anyway, so he might as well stop until he was able to walk somewhere else.

Maybe back to the dorm room. He didn’t want to go get food yet, anyway, since he still had too much to do. And Bones had a weekend study group, then volunteering at the school health clinic, so he wouldn’t be home for a few more hours anyway. If Jim stayed focused (ha! wasn't _that_ the trick!), he figured he might be able to knock out half of the other project for that class today too. He finished zipping up his backpack, then slumped back in the chair and stared off into the bookshelves.

 _I can’t do this,_ he thought. _There’s always so much to do. Every time I finish some batch of work, more has cropped up. But I should be able to handle this fine! I've done way more! And it’s almost the end of the semester. I made it this far. I can’t fail. There’s no room for error here. I can’t lose my scholarship. I can’t let anyone down. There’ll be time to relax during winter break. Or…not have to do schoolwork, at least._

Jim scrubbed his eyes with a groan. _Winter break,_ he thought bleakly. _I didn’t even think about that._

“No,” he said quietly to himself, pushing up from the table he was at. “Not the time.” Jim jogged down the stairwell and out of the library, into the cooler winter air. He readjusted the backpack straps, trying to find a position that made his back a little less sore, and headed across campus back to the toasty warm dorm room he called home. It might not get as cold as Iowa winters here, but Bones was from Georgia and hated the cold even more than Jim did. Since they both liked warm weather and wrapping up like burritos in soft blankets, sharing a room worked out well for them.

A few hours later, Jim found himself being shaken awake. He sat up, realizing he must have dozed off a while ago if his computer had gone to sleep. “Hi, Bones,” he murmured.

“Hi yourself,” said Bones, brows furrowed a little. “Jim, you look exhausted. Why don’t you go to bed for the night? I’m about to hit the sack too.”

“What? No!” Jim sat up straighter, instantly more alert. “Nah, I just needed a quick catnap. Have to get this project finished.”

“Is that the same one you were working on this morning?”

“No, finished that while I was at the library. This is a different one. Same class, though.”

“When is it due?”

“Thursday,” Jim said, eyes flicking anxiously over to the whiteboard calendar above his bed.

“Jim, you still have four days to get that done! Just go to sleep. You’ll do better on it when you’re rested, anyway.”

“I can’t! It’s not like that’s my only course, I have other work and homework due this week too! And all the other days this week I have classes or work during part of the day at least. I have to get this done now or I might not have time later.”

Bones sighed. “Please don’t take too long, okay? The last thing you need is to get sick because you haven’t been getting enough sleep and your immune system throws in the towel. Weekends are supposed to be for resting,” he said pointedly, looking over his shoulder as he walked towards his dresser.

“Says the guy who spent both of the last two days studying and taking volunteer shifts over at the clinic,” Jim fired back.

“Touché.”

“Look, I’ll go to bed as soon as I finish this, all right? I don’t want to stay up any longer than I have to either. And I’ll work in my bed so the light from my screen isn’t glaring over there and keeping you awake.”

“Thanks.” Bones brushed his teeth as Jim got himself set up in his bed. “Night, Jim.”

“Sleep well, Bones.”

Jim was awake until three. He wanted nothing more than sleep, but he had to get his work done. He couldn’t afford to fall behind. He was already behind in a couple of classes, and he needed to keep up his GPA. Sleep wasn’t as important as not failing. He could just sleep more tomorrow, or the next day. Make up for it.

 _Anyway, at least I’m finished with that now,_ he thought as he closed his laptop after submitting the file _. It’s all done and now I don’t have to have it hanging over my head this week. What a relief._

Although, Jim mused before he conked out into a deep sleep, he didn’t _feel_ very relieved. He was already worried about the next big thing for this week. But he was too tired to think about it for long. He’d have to just deal with it in the morning.

 

But the morning was filled with back to back classes until almost lunchtime, and Jim pushed his way out the door of the last one in a bleary, tired haze. He turned a corner and nearly jumped when there was a sudden “Jim!” only a few feet in away from him. Jim’s eyes snapped up, and there was Pike, smiling at him, arm already out in greeting.

“It’s been a while, Jim. How are you?” Pike asked, pulling Jim in for a one-arm quick hug.

“I’m good!” Jim said, easily putting on a more chipper persona. It was a lot less hard doing it for Pike than for most people. His advisor tended to bring out a more relaxed side of Jim, for some reason. Sometimes it annoyed Jim, the way he found himself feeling almost like an eager puppy craving love and attention when Pike was around. But whatever the reason, Jim found himself definitely more energetic than before he had run into Pike.

“How are your classes going? I know the first semester can sometimes be a little rough while you get used to everything.”

“They’re all going fine! It’s really neat to be learning everything. Just getting to pick what classes I’ll be in and what topics I’ll do work on is a really great difference from high school. It’s a lot easier to write a paper for English Comp when the teacher lets you do it on 3D printing pizza in space if that’s what you want!”

“I’ll bet! Did you finish that one already?”

“Yeah, that was a couple of weeks ago. He let us do in-class presentations for them.”

“Would you be okay with sending it to me? I’m pretty interested, I never heard of that before.”

“Are you sure?” Jim asked, taken aback. “I mean, it’s just a short thing. Not in-depth or anything at all. It’s not like it’s a good article or anything—“

“I’m sure,” Pike said firmly. “In fact, if you want to drop by my office sometime, I’d love if you could give me a mini presentation yourself. I’m really interested in what you came up with.”

“I—okay!” Jim said, feeling out of his depth for sure now. “Sure.”

“You need help with anything right now?” Pike asked, more quietly. The hallway was nearly empty now, the between-classes rush dying down.

Jim shook his head and grinned. “No, sir! I’m fine.”

“You’re sure?”

“Yep,” Jim said, with a quick sharp nod. “I’m good.”

“Well, good!” Pike smiled back. “Remember, just email me or drop in if anything comes up or if you need to talk about anything. That’s what I’m here for.”

“Yes, sir. Have a good day!”

“Thank you, Jim. I’ll see you later. Don’t be a stranger!” Pike disappeared around the corner with a wave.

Jim turned back in the direction he had originally been walking, and his shoulders slumped back down after a few steps. There went the energy he’d suddenly had. He knew he had to go get some work done in the few hours he had before he had his work shift tutoring, but he didn’t want to at all. He didn’t know what he wanted to do. Not working, not studying, not interacting with people, not sleeping…but he had to do something.

He walked aimlessly through the hallways for a few more minutes before heading out the door to the cafeteria. In there, he picked something that he figured he might be able to eat most of even though he wasn’t really hungry, and carried it over to a corner table in his favorite spot by the windows. He pulled out a textbook and halfheartedly tried to read some of it while picking at his food, not really focusing on either thing. Finally he gave up and just laid his head down, cheek pressed against the cool surface of the table, and stared off out the window in a haze.

 

“Hey!” he heard Sulu say, some time later. He lifted his head to see his friend dropping his backpack onto one of the chairs at his table.

“Hey, Sulu,” Jim replied, mustering up some enthusiasm from somewhere. He even rustled up a smile. Amazing what he could do two seconds after feeling like he wasn’t even awake or present.

“Tired?” Sulu asked, looking at Jim with sympathy.

“Yeah, lot of things due this week,” Jim laughed lightly.

“Ugh, that’s always rough. Are they going okay so far?”

“Well, I mean it’s only Monday, so…” Jim trailed off with a shrug and a grin.

Sulu snorted. “Fingers crossed that the week keeps on going okay! Hey, I’m going to go grab food, okay? Be right back.”

“Okay,” Jim replied, as Sulu already darted off. Jim sighed softly, and laid his head back on the table. He had to get this work done, had to study before class, but…he couldn’t even make himself stay upright at the moment without someone around to act for. He was too out of it do do anything for now. So Jim sat, mostly drifting, until Sulu and more friends—Chekov, Gaila, and even Uhura for once, since her class had been canceled—came back over and he managed to pull himself together somewhat again.

It was going to be a long week.

 

“Now this is just sad,” Bones said, walking into their dorm. “Jim. Two months ago you were skateboarding across campus with a white sheet and sunglasses over your head pretending to be a ghost just for the fun of it until you rolled into a bush. Now Spock tells me you won’t even meet him for your weekly chess game at the coffee place.” He came to a stop, standing above where Jim was lying flat on the floor, staring at the ceiling. “It’s not like you’re doing anything more important right now. Spock texted me—Spock, of all people—to say he was concerned about you, because you _never_ bailed on a game night before. Not even that time when you had two midterms the next day.”

Blearily, Jim thought about correcting Bones. He _had_ thought about skipping out on Spock before, for the last several weeks—he’d just felt too guilty at the prospect to actually do it. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Spock, or chess, or playing chess with Spock. He just didn’t feel like doing _anything_ anymore, and it already took so much energy just to get dressed and go to classes and do the minimum required of him that anything extra felt impossibly overwhelming.

It took him ten minutes just to put on his _shoes_ this morning, for heaven’s sake. The idea of thinking through a game of chess seemed completely laughable.

“Jim, _I’m_ worried too. You’re not acting like your normal self lately. And for a while I was willing to write it off as you being tired from working too much, but this is getting beyond that. What’s really going on, Jim?”

“Nothing.” The word came out sounding normal, but felt like a huge effort, like Jim was dragging it up from the very depths of his lungs. “I’m just too tired.”

“Jim,” Bones said quietly in his no-nonsense voice, “you, tired, is kind of droopy, and a little bit slower, and a little bit looser, and sometimes unable to shut up until you fall asleep finally. This isn’t you being tired. What’s going on?”

“Bones, just leave it. I’m okay.”

“No, Jim.”

“Bones—“

“No, Jim!” said Bones, more forcefully. “I’m not going to just leave it. Because you know what it looks like to me?”

“No,” Jim said, sullenly.

“It looks to me like you’re depressed.”

What?

 _Depressed?_ No way. Jim made damn sure that no one could tell if he wasn’t handling things well, all throughout middle and high school. No one had time to focus on him, because there were bigger problems. And even though it felt like cold electricity had just zapped him right in the heart when Bones said it, because he knew his best friend was right, there was no way he was going to admit it. He’d never given in to it before. He just needed everyone to leave him alone and he’d manage. He didn’t need them trying to help or poking around. He always managed. When he was depressed, when he wasn’t depressed, he _managed_. He didn’t need anyone now.

“No. Bones, leave me alone. I have to do homework.”

“You’re not going to do it.”

“Yes, Bones! I have things to do! Leave me alone!”

“I didn’t say you didn’t _have_ things to do,” Bones said patiently. “I just said you’re not going to do it. Chekov said you were out of it and not studying when they met you for lunch today, and I don’t even know how long you’ve been lying here on the floor before I came in.”

“I was thinking. I have a test coming up in physics, and I was going over what I already know.”

“Liar,” Bones said without venom. “Jim. Stop. Look at me.”

Jim stubbornly refused for a while longer while Bones waited him out. Finally, Jim sighed, frustrated, pushing himself up on his elbows, and met Bones’ eyes.

“There you are,” Bones said softly. “Jim, please just let me help. Just be honest. I don’t know what your life was like before now, I know you don’t want to talk about it much. But Jim, I’m your friend. Please. Let me be here for you. I’m not going to leave, Jim, you’re stuck with me. Let me help.”

It was the way Bones had said it, so certain, without ever breaking eye contact with Jim, and the way Jim could just feel that he really, really meant it, that finally did Jim in. To Jim’s dismay, he suddenly felt his eyes get hot, and realized they were welling up with tears. He shoved himself all the way up, and leaned back against the bed, pulling his knees up, curling into himself. Turning away from Bones.

“Jim,” Bones said, one more time, scooting next to him, shoulder to shoulder. Jim buried his face in his hands, trying to get himself under control. “Jim, please don’t shut me out. I’m not going to leave.”

Jim gasped, an ugly, loud sob. It was quickly followed by another, until Jim was crying in earnest. He felt so embarrassed, couldn’t believe he was showing weakness like this in front of someone, couldn’t believe himself. But there was Bones, still, Bones throwing an arm around Jim’s shoulder, Bones somehow producing a Kleenex out of nowhere, Bones not saying a word, just staying. Staying and not seeming to care that Jim was falling apart at the seams, that Bones probably had way more pressing things to do that he was neglecting to sit on the floor with Jim, that Jim was now sweaty and shaking and a certified mess and way too much trouble to be worth it.

Bones stayed, and stayed, and just waited silently until Jim was calmed down enough to say “I hate this,” and Bones replied with a calm “I know.”

Jim blew his nose a couple of times. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“No it’s not! I shouldn’t have done that.” Jim crumpled the Kleenex in his fist for a few seconds. “Bones, why are you still here? You don’t have to deal with me, I know you have things to do. I can take care of myself. I always do.”

“Because you shouldn’t have to,” Bones said simply. Jim stared at him, frozen, feeling like something inside him had just shattered, like the truth just hit him like a mallet to the chest. It felt like the world had ground to a complete halt for a few moments while Jim processed what Bones had said, trying to fit it with what he knew of life, trying to see how it fit. _He shouldn’t have to._ But he always _did_ take care of himself, he managed, he didn’t _need_ anyone, he could do it, he always made it through whatever—

But the words kept echoing, _shouldn’t have to, shouldn’t have to,_ and as if Bones could read his mind, he said quietly, “Just because you have, or can, doesn’t mean you should have to. Everyone deserves to have someone there, looking out for them. It’s what family and friends do. You look out for each other, you’re there for each other. When someone you care about needs you, or just wants you, you’re there. I know you’re strong, Jim, and I don’t think you _can’t_ survive alone. But you don’t _have_ to. That’s the difference. You’re stuck with me, Jim. You’re like family to me. I ain’t leaving you to be in pain alone.”

“I—“ Jim started. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“It’s okay. We’ll figure it out,” said Bones.

“I’m so tired of this,” Jim near-whispered. “I know I can do better than this. I hate it. I’m letting everyone down.”

“You’re not, Jim. You’re doing an incredible amount of work while you’re feeling worse than most people can imagine feeling. It’s kind of amazing, honestly.”

“I’m tired of taking care of myself. I’m tired.”

“Let me help, Jim. Let me help. I can’t fix this for you, I can’t fight it for you, you have to do that on your own, but I can absolutely help. And I will.”

“How?” Jim looked at Bones, exhausted. It didn’t feel like anything could ever work out now. He was completely wrung out.

“Come on, up,” Bones said, pulling Jim to his feet. “Splash some cold water on your face. Then brush your teeth. I’ll be right back.” Jim did as ordered, relieved to not have to think and decide for himself at the moment. That was more energy than he had right now.

Bones came back with Jim’s pajamas and held them out. “Put these on. Then come out.”

Jim did.

“Clothes in the hamper,” Bones pointed, now wearing his own sleep pants. “Then drink this.” He held out a glass of water. “It’s cold.”

When Jim had drained the glass, he looked up at Bones, feeling like his whole body was sagging. Bones put a hand on his shoulder. “I know you’re tired. It probably feels like there’s a million and one things that are too much right now for you to do, but ignore them. We’ll deal with it in the morning. You’re not alone in this, okay? I’m going to help. We’ll figure it out tomorrow. Go to sleep, Jim.”

Jim nodded, and suddenly pulled Bones in for a tight hug. “Thanks, Bones. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Bones said quietly. “Now get! Go to bed! I’m turning the lights out.”

“Night, Bones,” Jim called out, settling under the covers.

“Night, Jim.”

As Jim let himself close his tired, puffy eyes, already starting to doze off, he felt like maybe, even though it felt too good to be true, things might finally start to change. Even if it only lasted for tonight, it was nice to not feel like he had to deal with everything on his own.

“Jim,” he heard Bones say through the hazy half-world of being nearly asleep, “I do mean it. It’s going to be okay.”

Somehow, Jim even kind of believed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it was a really long wait for this chapter, and I'm sorry. Depression kicked my ass pretty thoroughly for about two months straight, but I'm doing better now, and my summer job is almost over, so I should be able to write more again!


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